I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE!!!

 

Sex and Chicago

By Kimberley O’Brien

UGH I HATE HAVING TO DO MY JOB! I’ve already played spider solitaire for two hours and I am SICK SICK SICK OF IT! Why can’t these stupid lawyers just let me go home? I mean, this is Chicago, not BEIRUT OR SOMETHING!!! STOP HOLDING ME HOSTAGE I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE!!! I mean, it would be one thing if I was even needed here or something but I am TOTALLY not! I don’t need to be here! Everyone else is already doing every single thing else! These eager little new lawyers practically live her trying to do as much as they possible can hoping that somebody will notice them but I just want to go home and watch Sex and the City with my doggy!

I AM SO BAD YOU GUYS!

Sex in Chicago

By Kimberley O’Brien

My favorite part of a salad is the cheese and the croutons, lol. I AM SO BAD YOU GUYS! I should just stop fooling myself by buying these big stupid salads when I get them and just get a grilled cheese sandwich instead like I really want because all I’m really getting these big stupid salads for are for the stupid cheese and croutons, lol! Here’s a CONTROVERSY! LOL! What kind of crouton is better, the big Chicago style huge chunk of toasted bread crouton? Or the itty bitty Manhattan style crouton that can fit between the prongs of a fork? I prefer the big giant Chicago style ones, but then I always prefer the big giant Chicago style foods! Chicago makes food better than anywhere else because we just throw the whole thing on the plate and don’t try to scrimp and save pieces and short change the food eater at all am I right girls! You want a hotdog? In Chicago we give you an entire sausage and smother it in a whole head of cabbage, lol! If you want less then you can scrap some of it off, but we’re not going to try to rip you off or make you ASK for more cabbage, we just throw that stuff on there until you say UNCLE! IT’S TRUE! We’re a bunch of big lummoxes in this part of the world, lol! Big, ugly lummoxes with big square shoulders, but we’re HONEST and we’re LOYAL and SWEET and we can still be FABULOUS when we want to be! And that is the God’s honest absolute truth right there! LOL! Of course, I would never ever let my body get big and lumpy like these other people around here because I am a diva. You might think, that Kim O’Brien must be the size of a five star hotel with the way she eats! But it’s NOT true you guys! LOL! It’s true that I order WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT, but then I totally just eat a little bitty bit of it most o he time because a diva is NEVER as fabulous as she can be when she looks GOOD YOU BITCHES! LOL! AND I LOOK GOOD! LOL! So, yeah, I’ll keep on with the salad, but I am still going to keep on loving the cheese and the croutons the best!

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Kimberley O’Brien says, “this salad needs croutons, STAT!”

Kimberley O’Brien is car shopping…

Sex in Chicago

By Kimberley O’Brien

I think that I am going to buy a new car you guys. I KNOW! My Escalade is very pretty and it is NOT everyday that you see one with that color (LOL!) but it is just TOO BIG I think you guys! I’m tired of trying to park that big stupid thing when there isn’t valet and I JUST DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH THAT HASSLE ANYMORE AND I DON’T WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE TWO CARS PEOPLE BECAUSE THAT JUST SEEMS GROSSSS! SO what kind of cars would you bitches suggest? I was thinking that maybe I wanted something like a sedan now or like a sports car maybe but I’m not completely sold on that yet? I JUST DEFINITELY KNOW THAT I DON’T WANT ANOTHER TRUCKY THING BECAUSE THEY ARE SUCH A PAIN!!! I WOULDN’T WISH A TRUCKY CAR ON EVEN MY WORST ENEMY BECAUSE THEY ARE SO STRESSFUL YOU HAVE TO BE A STRESS MONSTER TO NOT BE SO STRESSED OUT WHEN YOU DRIVE THEM FOR REAL!!!

Cheese is like the best thing ever.

Sex and Chicago

By Kimberley O’Brien

Is there anything that shouldn’t get cheese on it? NO! LOL! Well, maybe ice cream or something, but even then maybe if you put one of those stinky cheeses in it or on it or, NO! Cream cheese! Ice cream with cheese cake in it is amazing! So maybe I was right the first time. EVERYTHING is better with cheese! LOL!

Kimberley O’Brien doesn’t own the rights to this you guys. I found it on wikipedia and Kevin loves Monty Python so i put it here for him! don’t file a lawsuit against me or anything okay?

I wonder if that was the real central theme of the Golden Girls, fix it with cheese! LOL! I never really liked the Golden Girls when it was on. It always just seemed like stuffy old broads that lived in Miami and that wasn’t very appealing to me, but in hindsight, maybe, JUST MAYBE, it was the precursor to Sex and the City? LOL! THAT WOULD BE SO FUNY YOU GUYS! LOL! I mean, none of those old hags are nearly as fabulous are FREE as any of the BEAUTIFUL Sex and the City STARS! LOL! But I suppose that that is a much more superficial interpretation of both of these shows? LOL! I think, now, that the Golden Girls and Sex and the City may have been more alike than I ever gave them credit for being. For one, the Golden Girls ARE free.

They’re retired or something, they don’t have to go to a stupid office and get along with stupid trial attorneys everyday, they can live where ever they want and choose to live in Miami (nowhere NEAR as nice as beautiful AMAZING Chicago! LOL!) and they are, most importantly, sexually liberated. They can do as they please within the bounds of the law and nobody can tell them otherwise. True, they dress like ocean sea hags or whatever, lol! With lots of curtains that had been converted into gowns or something (ICK!), but at was apparently what they wanted to wear, so, MORE POWER TO YOU YOU OLD BITCHS! LOL! SO really, even though they don’t LOOK anywhere NEAR as sexy or smart or free as the gang from Sex and the City, maybe the stupid old Golden Girls really were? MY MIND IS TOTALLY BLOWN JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS YOU GUYS! LOL! I wonder what Bea Arthur would say about this. Despite the funny clothes she started wearing once she became a premature old lady, BEA WAS A SEX DIVA ONCE UPON A TIME, LOL! Just search her name on the internet and you can find pictures of her when she was young, lol!

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/21/U.S._Marine_Corps_portrait_of_Beatrice_Arthur.jpg

see what i mean? bea was HAWT back in the day. She was a Marine, too! What a total catch for some lucky fella!

It’s funny because she started wearing all of those form-hiding tablecloths over her body and POOF she was an old lady, lol! Poor Bea Arthur! I can’t think of a worse fate than being an old lady, LOL! AND I AM ONE! THAT’S FUNNY YOU GUYS! CHICAGO LOVES YOU BEA ARTHUR! EVEN IF YOU WERE ALWAYS DRESSED LIKE THE LOWER HALF OF A PUPPET SHOW! LOL! Somebody told me that a Golden Girls remake was in the works somewhere. HOW CAN SOMEONE EVEN THINK ABOUT REMAKING THE GOLDEN GIRLS BUT NOT WANT TO FUN FUND OUR SEX IN CHICAGO MOVIE I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY! LOL!

I hate football! LOL! It is SO divisive! LOL!

Sex and Chicago

By Kimberley O’Brien

I don’t really know what all of that stupid stuff about the name of some football team is about, but that’s not going to stop the Her Majesty, the Queen of Fashionable Chicago from throwing her two coppers into that knife fight! LOL! And how dare some jerk tell me, ME, that I shouldn’t talk about that. I can talk about whatever I want to talk about MISTER MAN, lol! Kevin said that that guy was just some kind of sports fan or something and that’s why he got so upset, but I don’t care if he likes sports and stuff! I love shoes! And at SOME point you have to be able to take a step back and say stuff like, hey girl! The name of my shoes are totally racist and stuff! Wow! That’s crazy! LOL! That doesn’t meant that I have to hate my shoes for having racist names or whatever, but come ON you weirdo, the name of my shoes doesn’t stop being like totally racist just because I like them, does it? That’s just crazy talk! And sure, I might get really mad at somebody pointing at my shoes and saying that something is wrong with them if I know that that person doesn’t even wear shoes or know anything about them or whatever and really shouldn’t have an opinion about them either way, but if my shoes had burning crosses on them or something and someone pointed at those burning crosses and said like, hey, I never noticed that before but that sure is racist, lol! I wouldn’t throw my cheese fries at that person! I’d be more like, yeah, these shoes ARE racist. I wish that they made them without the burning crosses on them or whatevs (lol!) because I really like to wear these shoes and it’s not the burning crosses that make them so appealing to me and stuff! But if it WAS the burning crosses that I liked so much, well, THEN I might throw french fries at a stranger in a bar! SOOOOOOOOO, I guess that stupid jerk was never really into that stupid football team in the first place, was he? I think that he was totally just into the burning crosses on the stupid football team’s football shirts or whatever they stupid wear to play stupid football in. Girls, I hate football! LOL! It is SO divisive! LOL!

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And the uniforms were SO drab back then!

 

THE PERFECT IDEA FOR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

Sex in Chicago

By Kimberley O’Brien

MADISON! GO PUT MOMMY’S COATS AWAY FOR HER!) OH MY GOD I WISH THAT MY DOGGIE COULD CLEAN UP AFTER ME LIKE THAT THAT WOULD BE SO AMAZNG! I bet that I could get her on talk shows and stuff if she could do that. If I could be like, Madison, go clean the bathroom and then she like put on the rubber cleaning gloves over her little doggy paws and maybe put a Rhoda style head scarf on and then started like cleaning toilets and stuff and polishing all of the mirrors? LOL! My doggy could go on Ellen if she could do that and that would be SO amazing that I would probably just, my head would explode or something!

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Can you imagine my little Madison dancing with FLOUTS and Ellen??!!! Seriously my head would explode you guys!!!

I wonder if there are calenders in the internet that I could buy with things like that on it? Like, doggies dressed up for work or something? Maybe like, policeman doggies and nurse doggies and maid doggies and doctor doggies and all that kind of stuff? I THINK THAT I HAVE THE PERFECT IDEA FOR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS NOW! LOL! I wonder who I could get to make calenders on a moments notice. I’LL CALL KEVIN ANDERSON! LOL! He can’t do it, I’m sure of that, but he’s DEFINITELY KNOW WHO I AM SUPPOSED TO CALL IN ORDER TO! LOL!

 

I AM NOT THE WEATHER’S STUPID SLAVE!

Sex and Chicago

By Kimberley O’Brien

Chicago is SO cold today you guys! I walked out of my building today wearing just regular fall type clothes and stuff and I had to TOTALLY turn right around and go back inside and pick out a whole new outfit and that was CRAZY! I was like, four hours late for work because of that! LOL! Stupid weather I HATE YOU! I wish that you were any other weather in the whole world that’s how much I hate you! All of those stupid lawyers looked at me so strangely today because I came in late because of you! LOL! But I DID get to wear one of my favorite heavy coats and that is pretty wonderful you guys! LOL! I LOVE it when I get to take out my winter attire for the year, so YEAHHHH! I was kinda happy that it was too cold for my fall outfits, but whatever, I can still hate on the weather and love it for changing up my wardrobe four times a year, can’t I? YOU BET I CAN BECAUSE I AM THE QUEEN OF CHICAGO! LOL! EVEN THE STUPID WEATHER CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! LOL! I AM NOT THE WEATHER’S STUPID SLAVE! Or maybe I am? DO DE DO DO, DO DE DO DO, DO DE DO DO (That’s the Twilight Zone song for all of you young people. It would play whenever it was like revealed that everything wasn’t as it appeared and stuff, lol! Well, actually it just played at the end of the show and I guess that every episode didn’t really end with everything not being like it seemed or whatever but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! LOL!

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Kimberley O’Brien: Chicago weather is like the twilight zone you guys

I drew a picture today you guys!

Sex in Chicago

By Kimberley O’Brien

I drew a picture today you guys! LOL!

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Kimberley O’Brien: portrait of the artist in Chicago!

I was supposed to be working or whatever so this drawing is officially now a part of a very large corporation that I won’t name’s official case documentation lol! In other words, it’s in a very large room full of filing cabinets that are filled with a bunch of junk that probably nobody will ever read ever, lol. SOOOOOO, I drew Madison playing in a yard with a snowman but I didn’t put snow on the ground cause I thought that that looked prettier. What do you guys think? I personally love snowmen but I totally hate it when the pretty green grass is all covered up like I is when it snows because even though the snow is pretty at first it always gets all dirty and gross looking and I don’t like that as much as I like just a nice green grass kind of look. Madison looked SO HAPPY in my drawing you guys! I am JUST like my great grandkids now! LOL! I draw pictures during the day and I need the crusts cut off of all of my sandwiches or else HELL WILL BE PAID! LOL! But my great grand kids aren’t really into SATC or PRINCESS Sarah Jessica Parker, so what n the hell do THEY know anyway! LOL! THEY’RE JUT LITTLE AND THEIR BRAINS ARE STILL MUSH AND STUFF FOR AT LEAST A FEW MORE YEARS! I HAVE ARRIVED AT MY LIKES AND DISLIKES AFTER SEVENTY PLUS YEARS OF ABSOLUTE REFINEMENT LOL! AND HONEY, IF I’VE GOT DEMENTIA THEN I CAN TELL YOU WITH ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY THAT ALL OF CHICAGO AS GOT DEMENTIA TOO BECAUSE I AM JUST THE FIGUREHEAD FOR MY AMAZING CITY! I JUST DO WHAT’S EXPECTED OF ME AS QUEEN! LOL!!!

 

SUCK IT KEVIN! MY DOGGIE IS BETTER

Sex and the City of Chicago

By Kimberley The Dream O’Brien

Madison says hi! Say hello Madison! LOL! SHE’S SO ADORABLE YOU GUYS! SUCK IT KEVIN! MY DOGGIE IS BETTER THAN YOUR STUPID CAT WHO IS HOMICIDAL ANYWAY! Did I tell you bitches about what that homicidal maniac of a kitty did to my precious Madison? I’m sure I did, so I am SURE that you know just how horrible cats are if they could do that to my precious pumpky wumpky, lol! No really, I don’t hate Kevin Anderson’s psychotic kitty cat, but I DO think that that… THING… NEEDS… THERAPY… LOL!!! You know, like, violence therapy or something? Anger management like with Jack Nicholson and stuff?

Kimberley_O'Brien_Chicago_angermgmt

They’re SO angry, you guys!

LOL! Are all cats that crazy as Kevin’s cat? No, of course not. I think that most of them want to just sit around and eat and fart like one of those Chicago police men that you always see at the front desk of the police station and even in movies and stuff that remind me of that big lizard thing from the most recent star wars movies that aren’t as recent as the most recent ones ugh! I can’t write MY BLOG TODAY! Like my brain isn’t working right or somethng LOL! I’LL just talk to you girls tomorrow! LOL! The Queen Bee needs to have a drink and LAY DOWN, lol!

 

Kimberley O’Brien’s top 5 SATC episodes

Sex and Chicago

By Kimberley O’Brien

Can you name your top five episodes of Sex and the City? I can.

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Kimberley O’Brien does NOT own this image but boy do i wish i did because that would be SO COOL and then I could be like, “Nobody can use this image or Kimberley O’Brien is gonna file a lawsuit against you!” But in this case I think it’s fair use, LOL

Number five is, and you’ve got to start with number five because that’s just how it’s done. You want to build UP to your number one pick so that people are more and more interested in your list as you go on and stuff. It’s totally called story telling, bitches! LOL! Learn it! LOL! But my number five would have to be Baby, Talk is Cheap because Marathon Man is HIL-LARIOUS and so is baby-talk guy!!!! My number four would be Boy, Interrupted cause that same thing totally happened to me this one time except that weirdo was going to a hospital in Chicago and not like upstate New York or something and it was totally for like diabetes or something instead of mental problems and really personal problems like Carrie’s old friend was dealing with. My number three would be The Real Me because Carrie would have been the PERFECT MODEL you guys not like all of those skinny HAGS that you see in magazines and stuff that look like they’re going to like DIE at any moment and stuff because they’re so full of speed balls and heroin and they haven’t eaten since they were like 12 a whole two years ago! LOL! I HATE MODELS YOU GUYS! LOL! My number three would be, I mean my number two, Where There’s Smoke because that episode comes on TV WAY MORE OFTEN than ANY OTHER EPISODE I SWEAR TO MY DOGGIE MADISON YOU GUYS! It’s lie a week doesn’t go by in which some channel just HAS to show that episode and you know, usually I’d be like BOOO! Because Sex and the City is way more than that one stupid episode can show off even though it is SUPER FUNNY to see that firehouse scene everytime it comes on and I laugh a lot you guys. No, that episode is my number TWO by virtue of its CULTURAL SIGNIFICANCE YOU BITCHES! LOL! That episode of Sex in the City is going to be see by the alien archaelogists that dig up Chicago or whatever in a million gazillion years! LOL! And those aliens are gonna be like, THAT IS ONE SEXY FIREMAN! LOL! My number one episode, DRUM ROLL KEVIN!!! MY number one episode has got to be Luck be an Old Lady! Because I am totally scared of my mortality you guys and I AM an old lady and that stuff is totally scary so I can totally relate to Charlotte and how she feels on her birthday but I also totally get cheered up by the gang when they put it all into perspective for me! It’s not the number that matters! It’s WHO YOU’RE WITH! AND WHEN I’M WITH THE GIRLS THERE AIN’T NO STOPPING ME! LOL! YOU HEAR THAT WORLD! THE QUEEN OF CHICAGO IS TOTALLY UNSTOPPABLE SO DON’T TRY TO GET FRESH!