Chicago is the best city for crazy food you guys! Kevin’s recent trials and tribulations have reminded me of two AMAZING bits of CHICAGO TRIVIA that are COMPLETELY native to our amazing city of lights! We have the Mother in Law on the south side, burly and mean and telling you don’t you mess with me! And we have the Lumpy Divorcee in the north, all cheesy and gooey and loving on EVERYBODY that will show it attention and stuff, lol! For those of you that aren’t in the know, Mother in Laws are these things where people put a mixed meat tamale in a hotdog bun and smother it with chili and cheese and peppers (if you want them) and just ALL of the stuff you might see in a classic Chicago Dog. Tomato slices, pickles, all that stuff, and It is surprisingly GOOD you guys! It tastes kind of like a hot dog, kind of like a freaky rolled up piece of meat loaf, kind of like a tamale sandwich… which it totally is, but not really, lol! But it works! And it is PURE CHICAGO! Because we just don’t give a shit about blood pressure or any of that kind of stuff because we are INVINCIBLE in Chicago and that is the REAL TRUTH! LOL! So if you’re ever in the south side be sure to pick up a Mother in Law from one of those ESPECIALLY seedy little hole in the wall bars down there, my favorite is the (KIM! YOU FORGOT TO PUT THAT PLACE’S NAME HERE! COME BACK TO THIS AND FILL IT OUT! – ANDERSON) Harold’s I think. It was that place with a liqour store in it, you remember, don’t you? It is such a neat little place and the people there are TOTAL sweethearts. They also claim to have invented the sandwich or that sandwich and stuff. Or something, but you know how it is with chefs, lol! They’re all like carnival barkers or personal injury attorneys, LOL! But I still love them. At least, more than I love personal injury attorneys. Really, I love them EVEN more because of that I think! NOBODY is a better salesman than someone that makes food for people, especially someone that makes food for people and then gives that food an EYE POPPING NAME! Which brings me to the Lumpy Divorcee! LOL! I JUST LOVE THAT NAME! IT just SCREAMS I’ve been a BAD girl! And MISOGYNY TOO, LOL! If you’ve never had one of these Chicago BAD GIRL VIXENS then you need to get RIGHT out and have one IMMEDIATELY. FLY TO CHICAGO THEN, I don’t care how you have to do it, just DO IT! LOL! The Lumpy Divorcee is like a grilled cheese sandwich only it’s usually on like a roll like a sourdough roll or something close to that, but it always has gobs of melted cheddar I think, and then sliced tomato, and the FRIED CHEESE CURDS. BECAUSE SAY CHEESE, BITCHES! Sometimes people stack meats and stuff on the Divorcee and call them like, stacked lumpies and stuff. Sometimes people serve them with beef juice stuff on the side. Sometimes people just dip those full on in garlic butter and serve them that way (OH MY GOD IT’S AMAZING LIKE THAT), and sometimes they don’t even call it a lumpy, but those people that do that are BORING! LOL! It IS lumpy and and and it should be CALLED lumpy! I don’t care where you first had one. IT’S A CHICAGO SANDWICH WITH ITS PROPER CHICAGO NAME! You know what is REALLY good? A Lumpy Divorcee. You know what is not REALLY good? Joe Schmoe’s cheese sandwich from Applebees or some stupid thing. Those are not good. The name matters you guys! And if you ever get a chance, a Lumpy Divorced Burger, or a cheeseburger-lumpy fried, is the most AMAZING cheeseburger that you can ever eat in the whole history of junk food. If you eat red meat sometimes and you are looking to treat yourself, Lump That Divorcee UP and tell her to make you a BURGER! LOL! No really though, spousal abuse is not funny you guys. But lumping up a burger IS. A. MAZING! I wonder if anyone has ever lumped up a chili cheese french fry? I AM TOTALLY GOING TO ASK KEVIN TO LUMP UP MY CHILI CHEESE FRIES TODAY! AND IF HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT THEN I WILL LUMP HIM RIGHT IN HIS STUPID HEAD FOR NOT BEING A TRUE CHICAGO FOOD PERSON THAT KNOWS ABOUT FOOD AND STUFF! Because ignorance is NO EXCUSE, LOL!!! How is he going to land a new pretty lady if he doesn’t know what the best cheesy sandwich ever made is called?
Kevin is getting a DIVORCE you guys! We need to throw him a party so that he doesn’t get too sad and down about himself and stuff though. Hit me on my email with some ideas bitches! LOL! I was thinking of maybe one of those giant cakes that you can put people into, you know the kind? And then I will hide inside of it with a sash that says Queen of Chicago on it and then I can bust out of the cake and anoint him as a prince or a knight or something, LOL! I think that’s a good idea, and if you don’t like it, well poo poo on you! No, really though, if you have any better ideas or even just SOME ideas email me you bitches! Cause I want to put this thing together and stuff real soon just in case Kevin changes his mind or something cause you know how young people can get sometimes with their navel gazing and stuff. I LOVE EXCUSES TO THROW PARTIES! I am going to get my nails done and I am going to call a bakery to find out about those big giant cakes cause I’m not even sure if they’re really cakes or not cause they might just be big wooden things that you hide in and that are painted to look like cakes and stuff, and really, if they’re not really cakes, we will totally have to get a real cake to go along with the giant fake cake and stuff cause what is a party without a cake? It ain’t no party, that’s for damn sure.
You know what I think is really great? Taxi drivers that actually know their way around Chicago, and I got to tell you girls, they are HARD to find sometimes. Now, granted, I’ve been living in this city for too many years to count! You know that Super Bowl Shuffle thing? I’ve danced to that. You remember Richard Daley? Because I do. Damn girl, I voted for him. Twice! How many BEAUTIFUL WOMEN DO YOU KNOW THAT VOTED FOR DALEYMONSTER TWICE! LOL! Yeah, that man was positively a BRIDGE TROLL! LOL! So I’ve been in Chicago for, like, EVER! Anyway, so it would be kind of unfair if I were to judge every taxi driver as if they should know this backwater metropolis like I do, but I do, so eiyyyyy (that’s me sticking my tongue out, I can’t think of a better way to write that or whatever, BUT I CAN LITIGATE IT LIKE A BOSS THOUGH, LOL!) So it would be SO nice if cab people knew the town like I do. Like, just the other day I was like, you’re passing the splits again and that stupid driver was like, I KNOW MY WAY TO THE NEIMAN MARCUS BE QUIET WOMAN!and stuff and I was like, WE’RE NOT EVEN GOING TO NEIMAN MARCUS YOU WEIRDO! And he was like, IT’S CLOSE ENOUGH and stuff so I was like, YOU NEED TO BE SPECIFIC YOU STUPID HEAD! And he laughed cause I called him a stupid head and I thought that it was pretty funny too and then after I tipped him he said that if I called him a stupid head again that he would cut me because he was a DOCTOR in his country or something and I was like, YEAH, RIGHT! And I took my pump off and threatened like I would hit him with it but he didn’t care. Jorge is a funny cab driver. Now that I think of it, I should have gotten his card so that I could call him direct and stuff. I think that I am in LOVE with that lunatic. See you guys? It’s this kind of stuff that makes our Chicago SO COLORFUL AND FUN! If I didn’t get threatened to be cut by a taxi driver from time to time, I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO YOU GUYS! From what I’ve read, all that color is NEAR extinct in Manhattan now, so we’ve got THAT over here.
Kevin told me today that I should TONE IT DOWN A LITTLE. I just want to say that I will NEVER TONE IT DOWN A LITTLE OR A LOT OR ANYTHING! LOL! You know why? BECAUSE I AM A GOD DANG PRINCESS! LOL! I am also Queen of Chicago and ruler of the circuit and county courts, lol! I am CELEBRITY, what are YOU, KEVIN? LOL! You are my subject! OK, OK, I’ll tone it down a little bit, but I can’t help it you guys, I AM SO HAPPY LATELY AND GUESS WHO IS COMING TO CHICAGO? YOU KNOW WHO! And when I meet her she is going to realize that she and I are SOUL mates and she will want to hang out ALL OF THE TIME and she’ll call me for accessory advice and I will call her for shoe advice and maybe she’d even let me do her taxes, lol! I CAN DO YOUR TAXES FOR YOU GIRLFRIEND! I can NOT imagine a better life than one where SJP is my BFF, CAN YOU? I don’t THINK SO! HA! I’m doing it again, aren’t I? OK, OK, OK! I’m just really excited and happy and stuff and you know what? Even if Sarah Jessica Parker doesn’t want to be my BFF and get AMAZING accessory advice or a kick ass tax return (THAT I CAN GET YOU, GIRL!) I will still be happy with MYSELF and I don’t need to shout so loud to be that and stuff. OK KEVIN, you dirty bartender, you win. Speaking of, go make me some french fries, biyatch! LOL! I need to get my chili cheese fry grub on you know what I’m saying! Yeah, I am a chili cheese fry eating MACHINE and stuff! Lol!
These lawsuit days never seem to end and so help me, I think it might actually be getting on my nerves you guys! I like to work these cases and I like organizing all of these little slaves of mine in order to get the job done, but how many consecutive hours can I really be expected to keep that stuff up and STILL be expected to stand up in court and speak? This is crazy you guys! I need more people and more time! LOL! There just is not enough time in the day! LOL! No, I really love working on cases again though, it’s just that sometimes the day to day logistics of these suits can be SO stressful you guys! I TOTALLY need a cosmo! LOL! OR, I need to go dancing tonight! But I can’t, I’ll have to put it off until after court on Friday, but WATCH OUT, BITCHES! Because on Friday I am going to be BURNING MY COURT ROOM BUTT OFF FOR REAL! LOL! I am going to DRINK everything that gets put in front of me and I am going to DANCE to every song that that DJ plays you guys! And I am going to have SO much fun that people a million billion years from now or whatever are going to tell their great great gran kids about the time that their great great great grandpa saw The Kimberley O’Brien DANCING HER COURT BUTT RIGHT OFF OF HER BUTT ON THAT DANCE FLOOR YOU GUYS! LOL!
Oh my god I LOVE LAWSUIT DAYS! I wonder if it’s just that time of the year when I get THE BEST MOST INTERESTING TRIALS or something! Because everything that I have gotten to do lately has been SO much more interesting and I am SO glad to be out of my stupid office and back in court, lol! Ya know, I think that most people would probably never say something like that, that they would rather be in court or that they would rather be in a trial or litigating and stuff, but litigating ain’t so bad people! LOL! Once you get the hang of it is is REALLY empowering and stuff! You just got to stand up and SHINE BABY! LOL! So here is the secret, you just got to love yourself girlfriends! Cause once you love yourself you can totally just love what you do and be confident and stuff! I love working on lawsuits, but I totally didn’t always. There was a time when I HATED going to court. I tried my best to always stay out of them and stuff, but now? When someone says take me to court then, I am ALL OVER THAT! LOL! I am SO quick to jut be like, well, if you want me to! LOL! It is totally an excuse to get dressed up and see people who you haven’t seen in a while and really it’s just like one big social function, lol! Who loves court? I love court, lol! Let the lawsuits flow and stuff!
Yawn. Boring people exchanging boring gifts and going on boring dates. Kimberley O’Brien is TOTALLY over it.
Ever since my divorce I have been TOTALLY bored with relationships and stuff, but you guys know that. So I have been thinking about dating recently and it finally crossed my mind that these little mini trials that you have with new people and stuff, where you get together for drinks or something in one of my Chicago’s MANY hot spots, and then you like examine and cross examine every little thing that you can in the time it takes for your food to come out or your drinks to make you too tipsy for your own good and stuff and you’re just hoping that this person hasn’t found out anything horrible about you from their questioning and stuff and we’re all just big old slaves to stupid conventions that make us MISERABLE? Well, I don’t think that that stuff bothers me as much anymore. I don’t think that I mind talking to new people in that way now because I’m not worried AT ALL about whether or not they like me so much, you girls know what I’m talking about? It’s like, if they don’t like me then they REALLY ARE DOING ME A FAVOR by not wanting to be around me, lol! And that isn’t even ego talking or whatever, it’s just true! I have a totally limited time on this earth and stuff and the less time that I have to spend with mean people or ugly bridge trolls that don’t like the way I dress, THE BETTER! LOL! They’re saving me the break up once I realize that we shouldn’t be like hanging out together and stuff because I’m not having fun when I’m around them and stuff! I used to be SUCH a slave to whoever I was seeing too, so this is a total change in my mental state and stuff you guys! I bet it’s because I’m so much older then I was before I got married to that shrew and her boring country club. You know, it was like, at some point I stopped worrying about hiding who I was, and then at some point after that I stopped worrying about the people that I didn’t even WANT to associate with! LOL! Right? I mean, those people can totally take care of themselves, it’s not like they need me or anything, and why should I have to beat my head against a brick trying to talk to them and stuff? Chicago is a big huge place and there are TONS of people here that you can talk to! YOU don’t HAVE TO SETTLE for hanging out with people that make you hate yourself and stuff, girls! SO, what that all comes down to is, girlfriends, you should treat dating like you’re an old drag queen! LOL! Because when you stop worrying about finding Mr. Big and start just enjoying your time in Chicago, your life TOTALLY becomes SO. MUCH. BETTER! LOL!
I just love how much more exciting my work has become lately. Just a few months ago it was sit around sit around sit around, but now it’s LAWSUIT LAWSUIT LAWSUIT and that is SO much more exciting! LOL! My days go by real quick and stuff and I get to do the kind of stuff that I got into law for in the FIRST PLACE! Dealing with new people! LOL! Believe it or not, I am a REAL big people person, I just love to talk to them and learn about their lives and stuff and then when trials come along every so often I totally get to be all like HELLO! To all kinds of new people who don’t wear sweater vests or incessantly babble on and on and on about their stupid yacht clubs or BORING golf! LOL! GOLF IS BORING YOU GUYS! GO DO SOMETHING FUN FOR GOD’S SAKE!
If there was a trophy for the most boring sport in the universe, it would totally look like this!! I hate golf!!! It’s SOOOO BORING!!!!
You know what else is SO boring? NOT SEX AND THE CITY! LOL! I watched three solid hours of my favorite show last night and Madison watched it right along with me and when that last episode was over and I turned the television off Madison started to yipe and carry on like a crazy dog! LOL! She HATES it when we stop watching Sex and the City, she ALWAYS wants me to turn the TV back on for a little while longer and stuff. My Madison is a BASKET CASE! A true Chicago native, that one. Lol!
Another day, another lawsuit, another trial, AND ANOTHER DAY CLOSER TO SARAH JESSICA PARKER DAY! WOOP! LOL! I am very excited about finally getting to see her in person. I wonder what she’ll be wearing? I bet that it will either be something FAB YOU LOUS! Or sweats, lol! I could totally see Carrie Bradshaw showing up at my Chicago Nordstrom wearing sweat pants and a hoodie or something because that girl DOES NOT have to care, lol! But she probably will care anyway because that is precisely what got her into that pantheon of AMAZING in the first place! LOL! That girl is not a slave to ANYBODY, EVEN FASHION! Because fashion works for her, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND, LOL! I love that girl. So I am counting the days! Are you guys as excited as I am right now? I TOTALLY CAN’T WAIT! In other news, Madison is still being a total brat. I just DO NOT understand why that precious puppy will not go to sleep at bed time already! I have tried changing her diet, I have tried giving her more bottled water just before bed, I have tried giving her less bottled water, I’VE TRIED EVERYTHING YOU GUYS! I don’t understand! The woman at Madison’s doggy day care says that maybe I should consider taking Madison to a therapist, but that totally sounds just SILLY, RIGHT?
Maybe I’m the one that needs therapy! Kim O’Brien: “Okay, Mr. therapist, Sometimes i feel like I’m just a SLAVE to LAWSUITS! And let me tell you about Madison! That DOG DOES NOT SLEEP!!!”
I mean, you can’t learn doggy talk, if you could then I would have learned it years ago so that I could communicate with my super puppy more often and more accurately. So what’s that leave for a doggie therapist to actually do? Guess what’s wrong based upon what I tell him? Why can’t an actual vet do that? Wait, they do! LOL! I need to go talk to Madison’s vet! LOL! That is SUCH an easier solution. Madison, I love you girl, but you do NOT need weekly visits to a head shrinker because you are a dog, lol! I’ll make an appointment right now and stuff! Yay! I solved three problems today! Two lawsuit related and one for my puppy doggy! LOL! I am PRODUCTIVE!
Let’s talk about pornography you guys! I’ve never really liked the pornos but maybe it was just because I never saw anything that really struck my fancy. Well, now I think that I’m just too old to like them even if I saw something that I liked so, I know, poor me, lol! But really, I was watching showtime last night and I saw this show or something and it seemed totally normal like a normal show and stuff, right? And there were like characters and stuff and one had just lost her husband I think, I know, poor thing she’s finally free, right? Lol, but anyway, it went from normal show to like COMPLETE PORNAGRAPHY in like two seconds flat. One second they were talking about drugs and her kids safety or something and it could have been like a network show, right? And then, BAM, girl is getting all gross on the hood of a car with some stranger. WHAT IN THE HELL HAPPENED TO TELEVISION YOU GUYS?
This is me watching Showtime. I”m all, “Wait, OMG, what just happened to this show?” Seriously you guys, TV has gotten super-dirty since SATC was on!
Now, I know that you might be thinking that I’m just too old and prudish for my own good, but I am pretty far from some kind of puritan, you know what I mean? And yet this was shocking to me! When did, seriously, gratuitous sex become needed in shows that looked like that old thirty something show? And when did this shift happen!?! LOL! Cause the last time that I was looking around straight up SEX in a show usually categorized it as actual PORNO! LOL! Sex in the City had it’s share of sexyness and innuendo and stuff, but this show was gratuitous you guys! I practically saw penetration happening on my television screen and I had to cover poor little Madison’s eyes because she is impressionable! No wait, I said to myself that I wouldn’t start preaching or whatever on my blog. So no, I won’t judge that showtime show like that. It just made me feel super out of the loop about entertainment and stuff, do you know what I mean? I mean, I didn’t even know that we had gotten to that point and stuff. What do normal sitcoms look like now days? Do Mary Tyler Moore and Betty White do three ways with Ed Asner? Lol! What has this world come to you guys?!? God, I AM NOT AN OLD FUDDY DUDDY THOUGH! Never mind that I said anything. LOL! I need another glass of wine!